As someone who has endured the hardships and heartache of dealing with toxic family members, I know the entire dynamic becomes even more fraught when children are involved. In setting my own healthy boundaries, I do not have a relationship with my parents due to years of mistreatment, volatility, and a lack of mutual respect. However, it hasn’t clouded my judgment and ability to see that they do have a loving relationship with my 3-year-old daughter. It must be due to the grandparent dynamic because they are able to honor healthy boundaries we have set. While they’re under the supervision of a caregiver I trust, they are caring and respectful of my daughter’s needs. In navigating all these elements as best and fairly as I can, I am much happier and at peace. So when I saw a Reddit thread about a similar situation, it hit close to home.
A Reddit Thread Explores Toxic Family Gatherings
The story shares the plight of a mother—Reddit user Designchick84—who has a 5-year-old son. She has to contend with the poor treatment from her brother’s family (his wife and her parents who she describes as entitled, mean, and snobby), and that from her own parents who always side with him (aka the favorite child). Holidays, such as Thanksgiving which is usually held at the brother’s house, are particularly toxic for Designchick84’s family, especially her son who is subject to bullying from her brother’s side of the family. She notes that during the last two Thanksgivings, her sister-in-law’s father was so mean, that she’s decided on a local trip this year, instead of the usual gathering. In offering an olive branch, she invited her parents and her brother’s family. They declined. Her own family is still proceeding with the trip. But her parents and brother’s family are now “blindsided” and “upset,” even though they had planned to go on this trip regardless if the extended family members were attending or not. “We are not going to subject our children to a toxic Thanksgiving,” the mom writes. The Reddit community was resoundingly supportive of her choice to prioritize her family’s needs first. She’s getting comments like, “Yes, make your child, you and hubby a priority. Remember them choosing him repeatedly really has nothing to do with who you are but rather, who they are.” Another one writes, “Your child would rather spend time with just their parents on a fun trip than be dragged to a family party where they get belittled by others (trust me, I know from experience).”
It’s OK To Set Boundaries With Negative Family Members
The mom from the Reddit thread isn’t unique in her experience. One survey conducted by The Harris Poll in 2023 found 22% of U.S. adults report their holiday stress comes from “experiencing or anticipating family conflict.” “The thread shows just how many people struggle with family dynamics that undermine emotional well-being, particularly during a season meant for connection and joy,” says Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD, Clinical Psychologist and Registered Dietitian. Dr. Tovar says it can be necessary for parents to step in and protect their kids from toxicity–even if it’s coming from relatives. “I believe creating boundaries—whether through limiting certain conversations, reducing time spent with specific relatives, or opting out of gatherings entirely when necessary—is not only valid but essential for maintaining a safe, supportive environment for children,” she says. Jenny C. Yip, PsyD, ABPP, a board-certified clinical psychologist and author of Hello Baby, Goodbye Intrusive Thoughts, says that you shouldn’t feel bad about your boundaries. “Boundaries are rules for what you will and will not tolerate, and what is and isn’t acceptable,” says Dr. Yip. “It’s important to be able to communicate your boundaries assertively, matter-of-factly, and direct-to-the-point without being apologetic.” Dr. Yip adds that you are also advocating for your kids and their needs, especially since they may not be able to speak up for themselves.
Signs You Should Set Boundaries With Toxic Relatives
Dr. Tovar says that there are a few red flags to look out for when considering setting boundaries and limiting exposure to toxic relatives, especially during holiday gatherings. The behavior a toxic or negative relative may showcase can include:
- Frequently engaging in hurtful behaviors like criticizing, belittling, or being verbally abusive toward others, including children
- Ignoring boundaries you’ve tried to establish in the past
- Creating an environment that feels tense, unsafe, or emotionally draining, especially for young and impressionable family members
Making these observations and then protecting children from these negative experiences is nourishing and healthy. “It helps prevent long-term issues, like low self-esteem, anxiety, or even negative behavioral patterns,” says Dr. Tovar. “If your gut instinct is telling you a situation might be harmful, it’s worth exploring boundaries to create a safer experience.”
How To Set Boundaries With Toxic Family Members During Holidays
If you are attending a holiday gathering with anyone who you feel could demonstrate toxic behaviors, here’s what Dr. Tovar recommends:
- Define specific boundaries. Clearly outline what you consider acceptable and unacceptable behavior. “For example, you might decide that family members shouldn’t discuss appearance, weight, or personal achievements with your kids,” says Dr. Tovar. “You could also decide that certain relatives won’t have unsupervised time with your children.”
- Communicate assertively and early. Reaching out to family members before the event to communicate your boundaries is a good idea. Using “I” statements can help keep things non-confrontational, like, “I want this holiday to feel peaceful for everyone, so we’re asking that personal topics be kept light with the kids.” Dr. Tovar says, “Setting expectations in advance helps reduce surprise or pushback, showing that this is a thoughtful, considered choice.”
- Limit interaction time. You may decide to attend the holiday gathering briefly, virtually, or not at all. “Limiting the interaction time can help keep the experience positive while reducing the chance of a negative encounter,” explains Dr. Tovar.
Before heading to an event, you can also prep your kids. “If they’re old enough, talk to your children about what to expect and that they don’t have to respond to questions or interactions that make them uncomfortable,” says Dr. Tovar.
When Boundaries Continue To Be Crossed
Family members should be understanding and honor your rules and boundaries, says Dr. Yip. If they aren’t, it may be necessary to remind them. Dr. Tovar says that you should also never hesitate to intervene, whenever the occasion calls for it. And you can do it politely but firmly. “For instance, if a family member brings up an off-limits topic, try redirecting the conversation: ‘Let’s keep things light today and talk about [something positive],’” she suggests. It’s also a good idea to have an exit plan in place in case a situation gets heated or uncomfortable. “Plan ahead with your partner or family members about what to do if a situation escalates,” says Dr. Tovar. “Knowing you can step away, even briefly, can relieve some of the pressure of holiday gatherings.“ No matter how tough it can feel, continue to model what a healthy boundary looks like. “Children learn by example,” says Dr. Tovar. “When they see you calmly and confidently setting boundaries and prioritizing everyone’s well-being, they’re more likely to internalize those behaviors for themselves.” And remember, it’s not selfish to practice self-care. “Protecting your children also means protecting yourself,” says Dr. Tovar. “Holiday gatherings can be exhausting, so prioritize your own emotional health by setting limits on how much you’re willing to engage.”
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