I was recently interviewed for an article written by Tonilyn Hornung for the Mother Untitled on default parenting. Below is the article and a link to the full article.
Link to Full Article: HOW TO DEAL WITH THE EXHAUSTION OF BEING THE DEFAULT PARENT
It’s no secret that moms take on everything. We rise to the occasion meeting work deadlines, arranging schedules, and prepping meals all while emotionally supporting our kids, partners, and pets. We organize the family calendar only to reorganize it again when daycare or after-school activities fall through and we juggle the pick-up and the parenting at a moment’s notice.
Within our families, moms have become the default parent—and we’re tired.
We’re first responders
Laurel Sims-Stewart, a therapist and Community Outreach Director at Bridge Counseling and Wellness, defines the default parent as the one parent primarily in charge of everything child-related. “You’re the one who’s the assumed first-responder,” Sims-Stewart says. This can look like carrying the mental load of planning appointments, maintaining the color-coded family calendar, and if school or childcare options fall through, you’re the parent expected to adjust. Sound familiar?
Elizabeth Bettencourt, a mom to a 4 and 7-year-old, is no stranger to doing all the things. “I definitely take on both the mental and physical responsibilities for the kids,” Bettencourt says. She recognizes that between herself and her work-from-home husband, she’s the parent in charge of her kids’ daily routine.
This can look like carrying the mental load of planning appointments, maintaining the color-coded family calendar, and if school or childcare options fall through, you’re the parent expected to adjust.
“I do outfits, pick-ups, and drop-offs, doctor’s appointments (both scheduling them and going to them), and most activities,” she says. Bettencourt and her husband both tackle meal planning, but she’s the “go-to” parent for her children and it’s all the going-to that can leave her feeling overwhelmed.
We’re conditioned to take on this role
Bettencourt isn’t the only mom to take charge of her family’s To-Do List and then find the load to be a full one. In fact, it’s more likely that a mother will assume the default parenting role. Clinical psychologist Supatra Tovar, Psy.D., R.D., says, “Mothers take on the default parenting role for a variety of reasons, but the biggest one is they’re conditioned to take on this role.” Despite recent changes in women’s liberation and entering the workforce, Dr. Tovar explains that women step into this role in large part because society expects it of them.
Mothers throughout history have assumed the primary caregiver role for their children. Sims-Stewart explains that many of us were raised with this type of patriarchal belief system—a structure where the male is the primary breadwinner and the female deals with all things parenting. “But we know that this is not necessarily the reality for many families day-to-day,” Sims-Stewart begins, “and so this creates issues with societal beliefs that we’ve internalized and the practicalities of what it means.”
Internalized societal expectations, a strong nurturing instinct, or a belief that we moms parent better or more efficiently than our partners are all reasons we start our day as the default parent hours before our family is even out of bed. Brooke McNatt, the mom of a 16-month-old and 6-year-old, says, “I feel like I take on everything because I like things done a certain way.” McNatt makes sure meals and laundry happen and she keeps the family calendar up-to-date. “I’m the schedule keeper because it’s not my husband’s forte,” she says.
McNatt balances her family needs with her full-time work schedule and reveals, “I feel like there’s something I should always be doing, and I take it all on myself.” Even with her husband offering support, McNatt feels an inner push to be on call for her family. This need to “take it all on” can be a powerful motivator—one that will eventually lead her to a place of burnt out. McNatt describes this feeling as being pushed to her limit. “I just need to mentally not have to think about anything,” she says.
Bettencourt talks about how she recently went back to work as a part-time adjunct professor and was surprised to find her prep work is completed in fits and starts, unlike her husband’s.
Bettencourt talks about how she recently went back to work as a part-time adjunct professor and was surprised to find her prep work is completed in fits and starts, unlike her husband’s. This may stem from patterns established when Bettencourt was the stay-at-home parent. “I still factor everything around my kids’ lives,” she says. This isn’t unusual as Dr. Tovar adds, “Whatever the reason, once entrenched in this role, it becomes very difficult to change parenting duties or split them evenly.”
Finding a solution
For Bettencourt, this dynamic can become overwhelming, but just like McNatt, it’s the combination of doing all the things that leads to exhaustion. “I’m the default parent for all the minutiae of day-to-day life and all the emotional needs. It’s the emotional needs that can start to overwhelm me,” Bettencourt says. Both women state they talk to their spouses when the tension mounts and coordinate a break to recharge. Bettencourt says her husband doesn’t want her to reach an exhausted space and McNatt explains, “I talk to my partner and work something out so I get that break. I have a hard time putting myself first when I feel overwhelmed.”
It’s absolutely normal for moms to experience feelings of overload as the default parent. “Most women have been conditioned to think they need to ‘do it all’ and this means working nonstop from the moment they wake until they collapse in bed at night. This is not sustainable,” Sims-Stewart says. She encourages her mom clients with partners to have a compassionate conversation asking for support in clear ways. “Find specific things that you can ask them to take on,” she says. Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.
Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.
If a partner isn’t available or willing to contribute, Dr. Tovar proposes advocating for childcare (if that’s an option) or seeking assistance from family or friends. “I think it is important to form co-ops and groups with friends and neighbors you trust so everyone can catch a break and their breath,” Dr. Tovar says. She also encourages her mom clients to carve out at least one moment during their day for self-care. This could be a walk outside, a hot bath, or deep breathing. And Sims-Stewart reminds us to find activities that recharge us—even something simple like coffee with a friend. Don’t forget, there are mental health professionals available should you need them.
When it comes to moms doing all the things, it’s important to put ourselves in this equation too. “I’ve learned to speak up and make sure I’m meeting my own needs,” Bettencourt says. Making sure to have a regular self-care schedule is one way to stay grounded and stop the exhaustion from mounting. Then truly take that break and step away from the heavy mental load. Sims-Stewart knows us well when she says, “We’re all in need of extra support right now.”
Read More: My Partner Was the At-Home Parent, Now I Am. Here’s the Difference
Tonilyn Hornung is an author and freelance writer who lives with her young son, husband, many furry friends, and never enough closet space.
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