We asked relationship experts to weigh in on the top three arguments plaguing stay-at-home moms and their partners. Below, they show us how to turn our tired old fights into moments that actually strengthen our connection.

Link to full article: THE TOP 3 ISSUES SAHMS & THEIR PARTNERS ARGUE ABOUT, ACCORDING TO EXPERTS

No matter how well you know your partner or how much love is present, you’re bound to argue with them from time to time. Disagreements about the little things, like leaving wet towels on the floor or squeezing toothpaste from the middle of the tube are sure to pop up at some point.

But what about the bigger issues? Disputes over tricky topics like money, parenting, and the division of household chores top the squabble list for stay-at-home moms and their spouses or partners. If you’ve noticed your money conversations becoming heated before you can say “financial planner,” or some unhealthy repetitive patterns developing whenever you bring up putting the baby down for a nap, take heart. We have two experts to help guide you through these disagreements, because ultimately, it’s how you argue that makes all the difference.

Meet the Experts

• Sherry Kosinar: A licensed clinical social worker in Louisville, Kentucky.

• Dr. Supatra Tovar: A clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California.

The Benefit of Arguing With Your Spouse

While conflict in a relationship is inevitable, there can be benefits to disagreeing with your spouse or partner. Sherry Kosinar, a licensed clinical social worker, says normal life between couples who live together includes some arguing. “Conflict and disagreements are healthy, because [they] can give you a look at the problem at hand and [highlight] what needs to be changed,” Kosinar says.

Disagreements in a relationship can range anywhere from feeling unsupported during your baby’s bedtime routine to wanting more transparency when it comes to organizing family finances. Kosinar explains that once you bring your feelings out into the open, both parties have an opportunity to clear the air, connect, and move in a different direction so tensions don’t build.

When it comes to why conflicts crop up in the first place, Supatra Tovar, Psy.D. explains that there’s virtually zero chance people in a relationship will hold the exact mirrored beliefs their partner does. Differing values, outlooks, and past history as a couple can influence the debates that emerge.

The key to making your arguments work for you as a couple lies in how you communicate. On that note, we took three of the most common issues stay-at-home moms and their partners disagree on and asked our experts to provide clarity, advice, and a new approach to your old arguments.

What Stay At Home Moms Struggle With Most

1. Money

A recent survey¹ conducted by a London investment company revealed that money is the most common cause of arguments between couples. Talking cash can bring up stress because, according to Kosinar, money and all it represents reaches deeper issues within us.

“Money symbolizes power and control, and in our society, it relates to security,” Kosinar says. With money carrying such significant meaning, it’s easy to understand why it becomes a source of conflict. While core ideas about money can greatly influence discussions, so can practical approaches.

“Most people come into a marriage with the learned financial beliefs of their caregivers,” Dr. Tovar says. These types of beliefs often clash because finances are a vital component to keeping the relationship afloat, Dr. Tovar says. Added to this, stay-at-home moms may feel less autonomous in this space, which amplifies feelings of dependency. This can make conversations about family finances emotionally charged on both sides.

While conflict in a relationship is inevitable, there are benefits to disagreeing with your spouse or partner.

Different upbringings and belief systems can make money matters difficult to discuss, and Dr. Tovar suggests first having an honest dialogue about the ideas you hold surrounding money.

“I encourage my clients to discuss openly these learned beliefs so that compassion, empathy, and understanding can come first,” she says. Then, a partner can see where their beliefs formed and vice versa.

During these chats, Kosinar reminds readers to listen without interruption, and don’t forget, you’re on the same team. “I think scheduled meetings are especially helpful when it comes to finances,” she says. Scheduling a time for money talks can help a couple feel connected and more secure in the financial day-to-day. “Make the meetings fun and check in with your partner to see if the structure is working,” Kosinar states.

2. Parenting

When it comes to raising kids, not all caregivers are on the same parenting page. Differing styles can cause conflict and this may lead to intense disagreements on how best to support your kids’ development. Dr. Tovar says it’s quite natural to have different parenting styles.

“Just like there are differences in what we learned from our caregivers about finances, we also tend to have big differences in the ways in which we were raised,” she notes. Couples bring their past history into any relationship, and spotting the differences in your upbringing can allow you to recognize your different parenting approaches. Kosinar says knowing your parenting style brings a larger awareness into your discussions. “Our parenting roles can play off each another,” Kosinar begins, “so it’s good to understand each other’s style to find a balance.”

Differing parenting styles can cause conflict, and this may lead to intense disagreements on how best to support your kids’ development.

Heated debates about how best to handle sleep schedules can lose you precious sleep, so let’s talk style. “Communicate clearly and calmly to one another about your parenting styles,” Kosinar says. Take time to take turns describing your parenting approach to your partner. This insight allows you to play to your parenting strengths (instead of against them) and work as a united team.

Next, build a solid foundation for mutual understanding. “Seeking couples counseling, taking parenting philosophy questionnaires, and discussing childhood dynamics can be very helpful in understanding the basics of each other’s parenting style and beliefs,” Dr. Tovar says. Once this knowledge is out there, it will be easier to make agreements together about parenting rules, boundaries, and philosophies.

3. Household Chores

According to a 2019 survey² from Yelp, 80% of people living with a partner have disagreements about housework. That’s a high percentage of those arguing about whose job it is to unload the dishwasher. Now, add to that the expectations stay-at-home moms face in this space and Dr. Tovar says, this can be one of the most contentious aspects of communication because of the perpetuation of the old-fashioned belief that household chores are gender-specific, most often due to the characterization of some chores as exclusively “women’s work.” Kosinar agrees adding, “Household work has been tied to a ‘woman’s work’ throughout history, and many of us were modeled this growing up.”

Modeled behaviors and societal expectations can run on autopilot until called into question. These underlying beliefs may even cause intense feelings of guilt and blame. To that point, Kosinar says, “Role expectations deserve a conversation.”

Openly discuss your childhood experiences and influences. This can help you determine your belief system and decide if it’s working for you as a couple. If your chore arrangements need dusting off, Dr. Tovar stresses that direct and open communication regarding expectations is vital.

“While a stay-at-home mom may be willing to take on additional chores simply because she can, there may be a point when taking on too many chores is too much for her sense of fairness,” Dr. Tovar says. This is where a conversation about what is considered fair needs to happen. Having this talk increases understanding, which is often the first step to making meaningful changes in a relationship.

How to Argue in a Healthy Relationship

From toothpaste tubes to money matters, the arguments we incite can become the catalyst for positive change, revealing what we truly value and what we’ll tolerate. But while occasional disagreements may have their benefits, Kosinar encourages caution. “Take a breath, get grounded, and approach the subject at a time when you’re civil,” Kosinar says. This can look like asking for a timeout and then choosing a later time when you’ve both gained your perspective and your cool. Kosinar also says that’s it OK to take time before you engage to determine what you want to say so that your partner understands your needs and feelings.

Being willing to listen, staying on topic, and showing compassion are keys to turning your disagreements into opportunities for growth. “If we are taking time to listen to the other side, using less defensive-making language, and validating the other person’s feelings, the argument can most often lead to more positive outcomes,” Dr. Tovar says.